The 3 Steps to Healthy Boundaries

How to set and stick to your boundaries

If there are 3 words that come up most frequently during conversations with our Personal Development & Wellbeing Accelerator members they’re likely to be gratitude, implementation and boundaries.

At the end of the day, boundaries are an essential component of wellbeing. Sure they may not be as sexy as self-care, or as exciting as goal setting but they’re just as important. Without boundaries in your life, you’ll end up feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, resentful, anxious and taken advantage of.¹

Chances are you already know this if you’re a fan of personal development and wellbeing. It’s likely that you’ve stumbled across some podcasts or books on boundaries before, or even saved some inspiring quotes about boundaries onto your Instagram profile. But do you know how to actually uphold boundaries in a healthy way?

Despite all the talk about boundaries that exists these days there are shockingly few clear and direct strategies that can guide people to implement and uphold their boundaries. Unfortunately, this often leads to boundaries being considered an interesting concept and topic but doesn’t lead to any real action or tangible practice.

That’s exactly why we’ve developed an easy to understand, and practical to implement, 3 step process for setting and upholding healthy boundaries in your life. Buckle up and get ready to set a boundary or two.

Step 1: Identification

This is a great place to begin when setting boundaries. To put it simply; we can’t uphold our boundaries if we have no idea what they are. By clearly identifying where your life is missing some boundaries, what those boundaries look like and what type of boundaries they are you’re setting yourself up for a much higher likelihood of succeeding with your boundary practice.²

To help you begin identifying potential boundaries in your life we’ve put together the following list of questions:

• Where in my life do I currently feel taken advantage of, spread too thin, or overwhelmed?

• What boundaries would help me to feel more in control and more at ease within this area of my life?

• Where in my life do I currently waste a lot of time?

• What boundaries would help me recapture this time and stop wasting it as much?

• In what situations would my wellbeing be improved if I began saying “no” more often?

Step 2: Communication

This is often an overlooked or half-heartedly completed step. All too often we see people identify a boundary and then immediately begin expecting their family, friends, coworkers or society as a whole to start abiding by this newfound boundary. 

Chances are there have been plenty of times in the past where you have been upset with, or annoyed at, someone for breaking one of your boundaries when in reality you never actually communicated that boundary in the first place.

This is really common when it comes to our loved ones. It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that your partner should automatically know your boundaries but this is an unfair expectation to hold. 

As human beings, we are pretty damn average at reading minds and we often project our values, boundaries and beliefs onto other people. Soon enough we are punishing or judging someone for crossing a boundary that they didn’t even know existed.³

When communicating your boundaries it is essential that you identify who you would like to be aware of the boundaries. If they don’t make this list then you can’t hold them accountable to upholding the boundary at a later date. It’s better to be proactive with communicating our boundaries than it is to frantically attempt to communicate them once they’ve already been crossed.

Once you know who you would like to communicate your boundaries to the secret to actually communicating them is to be direct and upfront about it. Too many people tiptoe around this conversation which leads to a tonne of ambiguity and greyzones. People often do this because they think it will protect the other person’s feelings when in reality all this does is create confusion and chaos further down the track.

In the words of Brene Brown “Clear is Kind”

Be direct about your expectations, what behaviours you will and won’t tolerate and if you’re going to say no to something then say no and stand by it. Don’t flip flop on your decision. It only makes things worse. Remember, “clear is kind”⁴

Step 3: Leading by Example

Please read the following sentence twice and let it sink in:

You can’t expect other people to uphold your boundaries if you aren’t upholding them yourself.

If you’ve set a boundary around you and your partner putting your phones away at a certain time each night don’t expect to hold them accountable if you keep breaking that boundary yourself. 

How many times have you been frustrated with your boss for asking you to take on more work even though you’ve told them that you’d like to spend more time with your family? But then you take on the work anyway and do it resentfully, all-the-while promising yourself that this will be the last time.

The reason this keeps happening is you’re still saying yes and you’re breaking your own boundary.

Upholding your own boundaries and leading by example is a sign of self-respect. If you want other people to respect your boundaries you have to start by respecting them yourself.⁵

Now that you know how to begin setting and upholding healthy boundaries the next step is to go ahead and implement this strategy. After all, all the knowledge in the world won’t help your wellbeing if you don’t put it into action. Make sure you let us know how you go by sending us a message

PS If you’d like more accountability not only with your boundaries but with your Personal Development & Wellbeing journey as a whole make sure you check out our accelerator program where you can get one on one support from a professional Coach and unlock an entire library worth of tools and strategies. Click HERE to find out more