Couples Counseling

How do I apologize for lying to my spouse?

Apologizing for lying

How Do I Repent for Lying to My Spouse?

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As I have worked on variegated wares on how dishonesty harms marriage, I have come to learn much increasingly well-nigh healthy ways to modernize a relationship without a wife or husband has lied in their marriage. One of the healthiest deportment that can be taken is to repent sincerely without hurting a spouse. Unfortunately, many partners do not know how to repent for something they have washed-up wrong.

After much thought, research, and work with couples over the years, I believe an restoration is important, but must be washed-up in the right way. When you repent to your husband or wife, it is important to be genuine and direct, to validate their feelings of hurt and fear, to understand their needs, and to state a plan of how you will work not to hurt your partner in the future. These 5 variegated aspects to apologizing will help your husband or wife to know that you are sorry for your actions, you superintendency well-nigh their feelings, and you desire to make sure you change, not only, how you act, but how you are going to make it right.

Be Genuine

When you are apologizing, it is unchangingly important to be genuine. What is stuff genuine? When someone is stuff genuine, they are stuff sincere and true to themselves. Sometimes we say they are stuff authentic.

A good restoration requires a true, heart-felt struggle to say your sorry. There is much that people try to add to apologies, but should be left out (see the “What not to do…” section unelevated (leave our defensive reasons, clarifications, or details).

Try to make sure that your restoration to your husband or wife is thought out and adds the emotional quality of care, which helps increase sincerity. Remember, you really superintendency well-nigh your spouse or partner. Don’t waste your time on meaningless words, trying to gravity your husband or wife to finger better. Trust that you stuff truly loving and honest will help them heal.

Be Direct

I know it is tempting to use explanations and reasoning to show why you lied or hurt your husband or wife. Sometimes it seems that they need to know the whole story so they will understand the reason overdue why you were dishonest. This, however, is not the case!

Being uncontrived ways to with purpose and meaning tell your partner specifically what you are apologizing for and no more. You are not coming to requite reasons. You are not coming to requite a defense for your actions. Apologizing is well-nigh one thing only: Letting your spouse know you are sorry for hurting them, whether you meant to or not!

Keep focused on a simple, yet meaningful and uncontrived apology. Take ownership for your choices to hurt your husband or wife. Drop your pride and finger their hurt.

Validate Feelings of Hurt and Fear

Validating your spouse’s feelings of hurt and fear is and action. It’s not well-nigh how you feel. It’s well-nigh letting them know that what they finger matters. They finger hurt. They finger fear. Do you superintendency well-nigh that? If not, then you are not ready to apologize. You are not ready to repent if you are increasingly focused on your own hurt or pain at this time.

Come with an intentional desire to connect with their hurt and fear. You may have not meant to hurt them. That does not matter yet. What matters is letting them know that you superintendency well-nigh your spouse’s feelings and heart. Superintendency that your deportment hurt them or caused them fear. Then impart to your partner that they have every right to their feelings and that you can understand how they finger the way they feel.

Until you do this, they will not be unshut to receiving your perspective. Your perspective does not matter to anyone until others believe you superintendency well-nigh them. Have you overly struggled with listening and hearing someone who hurt you? When someone made you wrestling or wronged you, did you want to hear their excuses?

I understand you are not trying to make excuses, but you will not be heard, until you show you superintendency well-nigh your partner. They will see your reasoning as an excuse or justification. You will need to validate their emotions and hurt first and leave out your reasons until flipside time.

Understand Their Needs

Another part of apologizing is understanding what your spouse needs to start to right your wrong and to heal. Sometimes it’s just a simple, “I’m sorry.” Sometimes it’s a need for showing your husband or wife you want to hear them. Many people just want you to reassure them you are going to stop your negative and hurtful actions.

No matter what, you need to ask your partner what they need from you so you can make things right. Maybe you need to ask them what they need in an apology. Ask them if they need increasingly than just an apologizing.

Knowing your spouses needs helps you to connect with them and show them that they matter to you and that you care. You moreover won’t be wasting your time with meaningless actions. Superintendency well-nigh their needs.

Present a Plan of Change

Once you have washed-up all that, include in your restoration a plan of change. Your husband and spouse needs to know that you are willing to change. What are you going to do to show them change? Giving them a plan shows your spouse that you desire to not hurt them anymore.

This plan of transpiration can be many things. I would encourage keeping it simple, but meaningful. Make sure they understand that you desire to stop the hurtful policies and how you are going to make that happen. What steps are you going to take? What boundaries are you going to put in place? What deportment are you going to do and how often? Be specific.

Your plan is to love your spouse increasingly through stuff intentional with change. Be intentional. Don’t let pride or laziness get in the way. You did wrong. Now step up and make it right!

What Not To Do…

Don’t be defensive

Defensiveness is not okay. Dr. John Gottman, in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work calls it one of the four horsemen in relationships. Through his research, he found out that defensiveness is one of four key reactions in a relationship that can indicate a move toward divorce. Find his typesetting on Amazon here.

Leave out excuses, reasons, or concerns you might have well-nigh your behavior. Only repent sincerely. Your excuses, reasons or defense will shut your partner down, hurt them more, and not have the stupefy you think it should.

Don’t pout and sulk

Do you overly start to get sad or moody when things don’t go your way? When some people apologize, they do this. Don’t indulge yourself to get whiney or mopey when you go to apologize. My wife has literally tabbed me pathetic when I have washed-up that. I am giving personal wits here.

Come to your partner with a calm, intentional mood with a desire to take action. Stuff mopey says, “Please forgive me, I don’t like how this feels.” It would be largest to come with the vein that you are responsible and can stand tall, but with respect to your partner.

Begging does not help. Crying does not help. It’s not well-nigh you! It’s well-nigh your partner’s pain considering of your nomination to lie. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and own your choice. Take whoopee to be a responsible person.

Don’t withdraw or leave

Have you overly gotten mad and left or just avoided someone? Don’t do that here. You go to them, when you are ready of course. Don’t go when you are not sincerely ready to apologize, but do get ready and then go.

Let them know you aren’t leaving, you just need some time to work through your own thoughts and emotions. Leaving spells zealotry and rejection. You hurt them. So leaving would be seen as an stressing that you meant to hurt them.

Sometimes facing our own screw-ups can be hard, but running from them just digs the whole deeper. You can’t make something go yonder just by leaving. It’s either going to be there when you get back, or you are leaving your crap for someone else to wipe up. Neither of these choices are responsible, loving, or mature.


I know I have said some pretty unmodified things in this article. I understand it can be nonflexible to hear, but trust me when I say an restoration needs to be washed-up right. You will be a largest husband or wife when you learn how to repent for your hurtful choices, expressly when it has to do with dishonesty.

Plan to be genuine and uncontrived when apologizing. Make sure you validate your spouse’s feelings. Understand their needs for connection, affection, and safety. And, finally, come up with a plan to transpiration your pattern of hurtful behavior.

You will be happy that you learned how to apologize. If you want to learn increasingly well-nigh apologizing, flipside typesetting that can be helpful is the 5 Restoration Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman. You can find it here on Amazon.

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