Couples Counseling

How To Get Over Lying in a Relationship

How to Get Over Lying in a Relationship

It’s one thing to understand how to forgive when someone lies or apologizes for stuff dishonest. You enter a whole new wittiness game when you are attempting to “get over” lying altogether. You may want it to just go away. That’s not necessarily going to happen. Stopping the act of lying and putting yonder the hurt and symptoms of stuff lied to may take time.

Understanding how to get over lying in your marriage is really important. It’s part of the process that leads to rebuilding trust. However, it is not as easy as just not thinking well-nigh it. The time it takes to get over dishonesty in a relationship depends on how intentional you are. I like to think well-nigh it in 3 phases,

Phases to “Getting Over” Lying

  • The person who lied attempts a genuine act of repentance and expresses remorse
  • Then the couple works together to make modifications in themselves and their relationship to create a healthier relationship
  • Finally, the couple works on reattachment to tighten them when together, decreasing future negative acts.

How to get over lying in relationships

A version of the 3 phases I am suggesting whilom can be found in Dr. John Gottman’s 3 phases of recovering from an affair. The book, What Makes Love Last written by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver, discusses this idea further. They undeniability their phases: Atonement, Attunement, and Attachment. Each stage is hair-trigger to getting over betrayal. As with affairs, dishonesty causes a form of trauma, although much less trauma than cheating.

We can use the same spritz of ideas to develop a process for overcoming dishonesty in relationships. Since lying can rationalization trauma, couples see intrusive thoughts and other symptoms arise. These symptoms upspring due to the wound caused by the betrayal. The betrayed spouse is hurt. Uncertain if the policies will happen again, they question if they know or can trust their spouse now. Getting over dishonesty is not simple. Let’s squint at the three phases we introduced above.

Repentance and Remorse

The first phase requires genuine repentance and remorse. I have had many couples come into my office where the guilty spouse asks, “Why is it taking so long for my wife to get over this.” I tell them that they need to be genuinely wrenched well-nigh what they did and show it through actions. Many times they do not understand.

What does remorse squint like?

Do you superintendency well-nigh your spouse? Do you want them to hurt? Do you realize that they are in tremendous pain? One of the few people they trusted in the whole world, they now question whether they plane know who that person is. You caused that! You should be wrenched over that! If you are not, you are not truly remorseful.

This is not a time to bring up why you lied or what the hurt spouse did. That starts in a variegated phase. This phase is well-nigh patience. Take time to squatter the pain and hurt you caused. You may not understand yet how bad it hurts or why they’re in pain, but the pain is there! It’s your job to focus and find out the depth of the pain it caused and understand it.

Sacrificing first to finger the pain, then you will see the gain

You have to make up for what you did. Have you overly thought well-nigh what happens when you commit a real crime? Someone has to pay the fine. Who’s going to imbricate the forfeit of the forfeiture to the car that was hit or a person’s injury?

You need to make up for the hurt that was produced out of dishonesty. Yes, there is room for grace, but that comes later. Humans are not God. He gives grace unendingly he pleases, but he still needed to send Jesus.

What does repentance squint like?

Your willingness to lay lanugo your pride, needs, wants, and desire to be right is important. Whatever helps you understand what this means, icon it out. Then do it. Here is a list of words that may help you understand the goal:

        • atonement
        • penance
        • repentance
        • reparations
        • payment
        • redemption.

How are you going to use this phase to show your spouse that they are important unbearable for you to waif everything you need and help them heal their pain?

Repentance is…

Repentance is making up for what you did. It’s well-nigh remembering how much you value your spouse. When you take time to remember how much you love them and want them in your life, you will see that nothing else matters except apologizing and making amends.

It’s time! Make it happen! Lay lanugo your needs, your sword, and your shield. This is not a fight, this is surrender to make peace, rebuild, and connect again.

How to get over someone lying to you

When someone lies to you, you wits trauma. You start to question what is real. A sense of distrust develops. You plane struggle with having thoughts that you can’t make go away. You may wonder why they would lie. All of this is normal.

There is a process you have to go through now to get over the dishonesty that you have just experienced. Remember, it does take time to rebuild trust.

Your spouse needs to indemnify for their dishonesty.

As we discussed previously, making up for the hurt and pain that was caused is so important. You need to see that your spouse is genuinely sorry for what they did and willing to change. It helps when they take tuition of the healing and growth process.

Seeing them make every effort to grow, stop negative behavior, and build new policies is an indication of heart change. If you do not see this effort, it will be nonflexible for you to rebuild trust. You will question whether they will hurt you again. No one wants to relive pain and trauma.

Make it known to your spouse that you have a very deep need to know that they are remorseful and are willing to do whatever it takes to make amends. Also, sometimes this can be taken overboard, so wield grace where you can with the wing of firm boundaries.

Your relationship will need to be rebuilt properly.

Dr. John Gottman talks well-nigh “attunement” as a way to rebuild a relationship without an affair. I believe it is moreover important to use a very similar concept to rebuild a relationship without a spouse lies. There are worldwide things that happen in both wires and dishonesty. Trust is wrenched in both. Much of the processes for both involve rebuilding trust.

Rebuilding a relationship is important when trust is broken. You can’t just seem that things will “go when to normal.” You will need proper boundaries, retooled liaison skills, and plans to manage mismatch and emotions. You will need to learn each other then in a deeper and increasingly vulnerable way. Take time to do this in the right way. You will finger increasingly well-appointed and less unsafe in the relationship than you overly did before.

Intimacy and Connection will need to be re-established.

Once you have begun to rebuild your relationship, set some agreed-upon boundaries, and are practicing new ways to communicate and compromise, you can now start to work on a deeper connection. Spend increasingly quality time together. Talk well-nigh things that reveal increasingly of your heart and are vulnerable. Be real and unshut with each other.

As time passes, you can start to increase intimate touch and play. Make sure that this is not the focus. Make sure you finger safe. This phase is all well-nigh learning who each other is then on a much deeper level. Knowledge increases trust.

Sometimes in this phase, you may have to segregate to trust a little increasingly than you finger ready to. I am not wanting you to get hurt again, but your trauma may hold you back. If you are still struggling with unforgiveness and hurt, you may need to do a little grieving and healing with a counselor.

How to get over when you have lied to your spouse

If you were the perpetrator (Sorry for the harsh word, but let’s be real!), don’t get lanugo on yourself. You can rebuild trust and help “get over” this tumor in the relationship. You moreover can rationalization it to protract to fall apart. As I said before, well-constructed and genuine repentance and a desire to transpiration are needed.

You know you aren’t that person who lied. I mean, you did lie, but your heart doesn’t want to hurt others. However, the policies indicates a problem that needs to change. I know I said your heart doesn’t want to hurt others, but the Bible moreover says that out of the mouth the heart speaks. So there must be a part of your heart that is not loving others.

Maybe it’s fear that is moreover lodged there. What well-nigh pride or selfishness? These things are important to dig out and deal with. You will not come to the place of remorse without dealing with the parts of your heart that are causing you to be dishonest. The only thing I would encourage you to focus on right now is your heart and correcting that part of your heart that chose the quack behavior.


Getting over lies can be difficult. Your relationship counts on it. It’s a journey of vulnerability, openness, discovery, and honesty. Transpiration is scary but necessary. Be single-minded to change. It’s okay for things to be variegated right? Especially if they are largest than what they were before.

Don’t quit this relationship. You are both human and hurt and pain is part of the walk of life. Yes, assess whether your spouse is willing to take responsibility for what they did and the ways that their dishonesty damaged the relationship. Work nonflexible to change. If they show signs of a desire to grow, then maybe grace is moreover warranted. You can get over dishonesty in your marriage if you segregate to stick to the process. Get help if you need to and take it one day at a time!

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