How to Set Boundaries with a Dishonest Spouse

Has your spouse lied to you, left information out, or been quack in some other way? Dishonesty hurts relationships. Trust is broken. Feelings are hurt. The forfeiture is done. As a wife or husband who has faced dishonesty in their relationship, you are probably wondering what you can do. In situations like these, expressly if your spouse has lies chronically, boundaries are needed.

Boundaries in a relationship subtract the possibility of hurt and provide a level of structure on what will happen if a wife or husband violates those boundaries. When dishonesty occurs, a spouse can set boundaries by staying calm, stuff uncontrived well-nigh their needs, stating what they won’t tolerate, and expressing the consequences of unfurled behavior. By doing this, an injured spouse feels increasingly in tenancy considering they can do something well-nigh their situation when they finger trapped.

When you finger you have no other choices, you do! Setting firm and straightforward limits will provide you with increasingly stability in your worthiness to manage the unwelcome policies of lying. As a therapist, I want to empower you to be worldly-wise to take tenancy of your situation and create a healthy environment where both partners finger their voices are heard. Setting boundaries helps you both no the standards to move the relationship forward in a healthy way.

What are boundaries?

I like to requite definitions to words that may sometimes seem overused or misunderstood. So with a word like boundary, expressly in relationships, one may not fully understand what the word is referring to. So here are a few definitions.

Google.com says that a purlieus is:

a line that marks the limits of an area, a dividing line

a limit of a subject or sphere of activity

Merriam-Webster.com says that a purlieus is:

something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent

The Cambridge English Dictionary says that a purlieus is:

a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something

the limit of a subject or principle

the limit of what someone considers to be acceptable behavior

Based on these definitions, I want to simply summarize a purlieus when it comes to your marriage and dishonesty. A purlieus is a limit you as a person sets that spells out what policies is winning to you and what is not. It spells out where you will take whoopee if unacceptable policies is seen.

An Examples of Boundaries

Think well-nigh a fenced-in property. The fence is a purlieus that separates where your property ends, and someone else’s begins. If that person has a “no trespassing” sign, you probably shouldn’t navigate that fence. I am not sure of the legality of it, but I would seem they have some right to act versus you at the moment you trespass. Maybe they would undeniability the police and have you arrested.

There are many forms of boundaries in our lives. There is a sermon serious by Andy Stanley tabbed Guardrails that talks well-nigh the idea of needing “margin” in our lives. If we didn’t have rules or standards that kept up in line, we would constantly be metaphorically “driving off the whet of a cliff.” In relationships, we need boundaries and guardrails to alimony our marriage unscratched and healthy.

When a spouse lies, it’s just as hurtful if not increasingly sometimes than other forms of relational betrayal. Boundaries can help your relationship stay healthy and stave this behavior. By setting limits on harmful behavior, trust and unhealthfulness can be rebuilt. So, if you want to start setting limits on harmful behaviors, you can use the pursuit steps for other behaviors.

4 Steps to Set Boundaries When a Spouse lies

When a husband or wife lies, trust is broken. It hurts. The pain can go deep. We don’t want it to reoccur. Neither spouse wants to have to go through the pain or the healing process over again, but it can happen. Why? Considering of habits, fears, and reckless policies that comes from selfishness. However, boundaries can help us stave some of this heartache. Let’s take a squint at how a spouse can go well-nigh setting healthy boundaries.

Stay calm, despite how hurt you are

The first step is to stay wifely and regulate your own emotions. When someone lies to you, it hurts and that hurt can quickly turn into anger. Wrongness and intense emotions momentum people to do things they don’t midpoint to do. We tend to be increasingly irrational and make poor decisions when we are angry.

When you want to set a boundary, you can’t come in guns blazing and demanding. It will never work. Your spouse will get defensive, and quarrelsome and their fight or flight system will be activated. Now, you are both irrational and making poor decisions. We don’t want that.

Being wifely and slow to add can help you make good decisions. Take some deep breaths. Find a calming activity. Go for a walk. Just don’t indulge yourself to act impulsively. You want your partner to hear what you have to say, receive it, and respect it. If you come wrestling they will not be worldly-wise to do any of those things.

Be uncontrived well-nigh your needs and feelings during this time

The next step is to be uncontrived well-nigh what you need and to relay your feelings appropriately. You need to tell your partner in a simple uncontrived way the positive needs they can fulfill for you. You moreover need to help them understand your feelings without making them finger attacked.

Your needs are important. However, your partner may not understand your needs. By unmistakably stating what you need and how your spouse can provide what you need, they will start to understand how they can change. Use well-spoken language. Stop yoyo they should just know what you need. They are variegated than you and would have provided for your needs if they knew.

You can state your needs like this: “I need you to be honest with me. It is important to me considering I would like to trust you. I need to finger unscratched in this relationship. I need to finger loved and cared about. When you are quack with me those needs are not met. When you are quack with me I finger hurt, scared, and alone.”

State what you will not tolerate from your spouse, expressly dishonesty

Being straightforward with your spouse well-nigh what you will and won’t tolerate is very important. They need to know your boundaries. This is where you set your boundaries. I would encourage you to then state them unmistakably and simply. There needs to be no grey area. The line needs to be drawn and an understanding between both of you that leaves no room for guessing what the other person meant.

It is OK to be blunt. You didn’t make bad choices. Their decisions are not your fault. You have every right to finger unscratched and secure. By setting limits for things you will not tolerate, you are creating an environment that allows you to finger unscratched and secure. You have that right

You can state your boundaries in this way: “I will not take any lying or dishonesty, whether verbal or nonverbal. A lie is a lie whether it is subconscious or not. If information is left out intentionally, this will be considered a lie. Lying is painful to me and I will not indulge it to be a part of our relationship anymore.”

Provide simple, straightforward consequences or deportment you will take if dishonesty continues

The final step is to let your spouse know what will happen when they navigate the line. If they are quack then there must be an whoopee that lets them know that their policies is not acceptable. This whoopee needs to be spelled out surpassing your spouse has been dishonest. By letting them know what will happen, you will be helping them make a increasingly informed decision. They will know earlier how their deportment will not only stupefy you but themselves.

Some consequences you can take are the following: taking 24 hours surpassing having remoter connection or conversation, sleeping in a variegated room, staying the night away, having them go to counseling, or something else. All consequences need to have a result in finding a way to end with your partner apologizing and talking well-nigh how they will rectify things to the greatest extent possible.

To let it be known, I do not like spelling out possible consequences for behavior, just from personal feelings. But they are a necessary evil. We have them at work. We have them while driving. So, why not spell them out in relationships? Divorce should unchangingly be a last resort. I believe that sometimes a planned-out separation may be salubrious with chronic behavioral issues, but not ideal. This would need to be worked through with a trained counselor and with much intentionality.

Conclusion

Dishonesty is not loving behavior. It is hurtful and decreases trust and affection. If it continues it can hands destroy a relationship. Most spouses don’t desire their relationship to end but do desire safety, security, and trust. The only way to alimony a healthy and unscratched relationship is to make sure the behaviors are healthy and safe.

When a spouse has lied it is important to set up boundaries and limits that provide controls within a relationship to ensure the health and safety of that relationship. As you and your partner work to heal and regrow trust, boundaries will help you to subtract the opportunity to reinjure each other while rebuilding your relationship.

Another resource that can help you understand boundaries is the typesetting Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. You can find it here on Amazon.