Couples Counseling

Is It Okay To Not Forgive Someone?

Is It OK Not to Forgive Someone?

Have you been stuck in unforgiveness? You may be asking, “Why should I forgive?” Or, maybe, you are 100% sure you shouldn’t forgive. Unforgiveness may seem right, expressly if you don’t spend much time virtually someone who hurt you. What’s the point when you don’t plane see them? On the other hand, can unforgiveness be a hindrance and hold you back? That’s why I ask, “Is it okay to not forgive someone?”

In my therapy practice, I do not hear clients or couples asking much if they should forgive. It is usually unsupportable that they should or shouldn’t, depending on what the vendee believes. In this post I will requite you my professional opinion and explore others who I have worked with have said. In short, I believe that it is not okay to not forgive your spouse, your partner, or anyone else. Let’s explore together why that is the case.

What is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is when you as a person let go of the necessary need for a person to make up for what they did. I heard one person put it this way:

“Think well-nigh the judicial system. When you commit a crime, you go surpassing a judge. The judge tells you how long of a prison sentence you will have to serve or how much your fine will cost. Depending on that judge, if he is very forgiving and gracious, he may decide to pardon you. A pardon is when they forgive you of all debts and let you go free.”

This is a legal example of forgiveness. The judge decided to erase the treason from the record. They are “free to go.” When you, as a spouse, segregate to forgive your husband, you are DECIDING to move past what happened and not protract to bring it up.

Forgiving and Forgetting…

I know this sounds a lot like “forgiving and forgetting.” Many of my clients have concerns well-nigh the forgetting part. I encourage them by saying that the goal is not to forget. Forgetting is impossible. God gave you an wondrous brain. It can store massive amounts of memory. The truth is that your smart-ass is not created to forget things easily. Your smart-ass can dump unused information, but when you unceasingly have the same thoughts, your smart-ass believes that information must be important.

In the specimen of hurt, trauma, pain, or fear, thoughts that go withal with these feelings tend to register as increasingly important. This may be considering we finger the need to overcome these feelings. Thus, we tend to have thoughts well-nigh pain and hurt increasingly often considering we are trying to resolve the pain.

Regardless of how nonflexible it is to do yonder with these painful thoughts, moving forward, choosing not to remember, or deciding you will not hold something versus your spouse are very variegated than forgetting. These are choices. The visualization to forgive is a visualization to put yonder the hurt and pain. This visualization says I am not going to hold this versus the other person. You are freeing them from the need for them to requite you when your peace or what they stole from you.

What does unforgiveness do to you?

Unforgiveness is toxic. I know, I am hitting you nonflexible at this point, but it’s true. Unforgiveness is only hurting you. When you have not forgiven someone, you are usually holding that tension, frustration, and hurt in your body. But, the person who you won’t forgive, may not plane be thinking well-nigh what they did wrong. What does that say well-nigh who unforgiveness is doing forfeiture to?

Have you overly hurt someone and then not thought well-nigh it till it was brought when up to you? Do you get it now? The offending party doesn’t plane know it’s bothering you so much. Forgiveness is solely on you! Unforgiveness is taking your peace. How do I know? I have lived it.

Living with the undersong of holding onto what someone else did to you causes increased bitterness and resentment. You are living in the past. It’s holding you in a moment in time when the hurtful event happened. Why do I say you are living in the past? It is really nonflexible to focus on present-day stuff when you have past hurts that are plaguing you.

How is unforgiveness hurting me if I don’t think well-nigh the hurt?

Just considering you are not thinking well-nigh what happened to you does not midpoint you it is not well-expressed you. We hold stress and tension in our bodies. When you are hurt and do not forgive, you protract to hold the memory of that event. This creates tension. Tension can stupefy you physically as well as mentally.

Spiritually you are moreover unauthentic by unforgiveness. The Bible says that if you do not forgive, you will not be forgiven (Matthew 6:15). I would moreover stipulate that you are sitting in pride when you don’t forgive. Why? Considering you see someone else’s policies as worse than yours. In this case, you are judging them. The Bible calls us to “not judge, or you too will be judged” (Matthew 7:1, NIV). Spiritually, we put ourselves, unknowingly sometimes, into a compromised position with God. Humility and love are so important. If we come from a position of love, we are increasingly likely to see our offender’s pain and struggle.

Freedom in Forgiveness

I find that when people will segregate to forgive they finger free. Why? Considering they have released themselves from the vassalage of the past. They have opened the door to think and focus on other things. Their soul now can be freed of the tension and stress that comes with fighting for bounty for their hurts. Self-rule to live in the present and to stay unfluctuating to God is so important. Try it. Forgive each person who has hurt you. One at a time.

How do I forgive?

Forgiving is not complicated. It does take effort and intentionality. If you are serious well-nigh forgiving then let’s requite you a little help. Let’s start by saying the pursuit out loud (Preferably when you are alone). “I forgive _______ for _______. I segregate to release the need for bounty for my hurts and I lay lanugo my pain at your feet Jesus. I segregate to not pick it when up again.”

Now, segregate not to pick that when up again. Segregate to focus on the here and now. Segregate to be unoffendable. If you would like a resource to help with this, go read Unoffendable by Brant Hansen. You can find it HERE. Another resource that helps with understanding how getting offended affects you is The Bait of Satan by John Bevere. Get this resource HERE.


Unforgiveness unfortunately hurts only the one who does not forgive. Yes, you have been hurt. No one is saying you haven’t been hurt. So what do you do? It is okay to set boundaries so you don’t get hurt that way again! Please do! But for your health and the worthiness to live a fruitful life, forgive your spouse, partner, or offender. You deserve to live in freedom. For increasingly on forgiveness read THIS vendible well-nigh forgiving when your spouse lies to you.

Why I Lie: Workbook Building Empathy: Workbook Assess the Consequences: Workbook Couples Validation Workbook Couples Communication Workbook
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