Sorry, Not Sorry

Why apologising can be detrimental to your wellbeing 
(and what to do instead)

One of the earliest things we are taught as children is that we should apologise when we make a mistake. Whilst this is important to do in the case of a genuine apology for a genuine, and significant, transgression far too many people are saying sorry for things that simply don’t warrant an apology.¹

Take a moment to reflect on how often you say sorry on a day to day basis. Now ask yourself, how many of these “sorrys” were genuine and heartfelt? On the other hand, how many were flippant, somewhat automatic ticks of habit that carried no real emotional meaning?

Chances are the vast majority of the apologies you’re making each day fit into that second category.

Now, you may be thinking, “so what, who cares if I apologise all the time? What difference does it make?”

It turns out that saying sorry too often can have a few negative consequences.

Saying Sorry Can Make You Feel Guilty and Anxious For Nothing²

Whenever you apologise it signals to your mind that you’ve done something wrong. This can then trigger feelings of guilt and anxiety. 

In a healthy apologising scenario these feelings are powerful ways to change your behaviour and shape how you interact with other people in the future. But in an unnecessary apology, these feelings don’t really do anything other than make you feel bad for no reason.

Take, for example, if someone bumps into you whilst you’re walking. Do you compulsively apologise for “being in their way”? Chances are in a situation like this you’ve actually done nothing wrong but the moment you apologise your mind assumes that you’re the perpetrator and begins to stimulate those feelings of guilt and shame.

The worst part is that this often happens subconsciously and can affect your mood without you even realising that this seemingly innocent apology in having a detrimental impact.

Over-Apologizing Can Reduce Your Self Confidence & Self Esteem²

According to Professor Maja Jovanovic, in her Ted Talk, over-apologising discounts your accomplishments and minimises your experience. This habit tends to not only be a symptom of underlying self-esteem struggles, but it can also actually erode your self-esteem even further.

In the words of Professor Maja Jovanovic, every time you apologise without good reason you give away a piece of your self-confidence. Stop giving away your power and start standing true to your opinions, perspectives and life as a whole.

Whilst we’re talking about this: if you’ve struggled with low self-esteem for far too long and you’d like to finally become the confident, happy person you deserve to be then you would LOVE our Personal Development & Wellbeing Accelerator Program. Find out more by clicking here: https://bucoaching.org/accelerator

Saying Sorry Can Erode Relationships²

It’s easy to believe that apologising strengthens relationships. 

Whilst this is definitely true in the case of genuine apologies it turns out that unnecessary apologies can actually be detrimental to relationships.

There are two fascinating reasons behind this.

This first is that excessively apologising to someone can lead them to take your apologies for granted and build up an ‘immunity’ to them. It’s like the boy who cried wolf. 

If you’re always apologising for mundane things it takes away the weight and value of your apologies. So when the time comes for a genuine apology, it simply doesn’t mean as much nor does it make as much of a difference as it would’ve if hundreds of unnecessary apologies hadn’t preceded it.

The second reason is that saying sorry creates an imbalanced power dynamic where one person is portrayed as the victim, and the other is portrayed as the perpetrator. Stop putting yourself in the position of the perpetrator and positioning other people as victims when in reality they haven’t really suffered from your presence at all.

So what can you say instead of “I’m sorry?”

“Thank You”³

Next time you find yourself on the verge of uttering a habitual “sorry” try replacing it with a simple thank you instead. You’ll be amazed at how it not only help you feel better but how it also boosts the mood of everyone involved. Where “sorry” creates an imbalanced power dynamic “thank you” creates a power equilibrium that lifts everyone. 

Here are some great examples to help you get started:

“I’m sorry for being late” → “Thank you for waiting for me”

“I’m sorry to be a bother” → “Thank you for taking the time”

“I’m sorry for being a mess” → “Thank you for listening and supporting me”

“I’m sorry you have to help me” → “Thanks for the favour”

“I’m sorry for screwing up” → “Thank you for your patience whilst I learn from my mistakes”

Thank you for taking the time to invest in your own wellbeing by reading this article.

PS: Want to take your wellbeing to the next level? Find out more about enrolling in your Freshman Year at BU by clicking here: https://bucoaching.org/accelerator/